Question:
<snip I am a bmom from the closed adoption system. I am at a loss to understand how a bmom can keep seeing her child.. But I would think legitimate grief work.. and also therapy.. so you can discuss your feelings with someone that is not connected with the adoption.. Jackie C
Thanks Jackie for your reply. I know Open Adoption is very new to people and it is hard to understand. I am a very emotional person and if Open Adoption wasn’t around, I don’t think adoption would have been for me. I carried a child with me for nine months and then to have her taken away from me and to not see her until the minimum age of 18 was something I could not bear. So putting myself in your shoes, I could not have done what you did. When I hear a baby cry, I do not think of my daughter because I have seen her grow up and she is not a baby. When I see a 3 yr old, I think of her. I will open my eyes to how things are for you if you can see how things are for me. As for therapy, I am and have been in it since the day I found out I was pregnant. Open Adoption is new and a lot of people cannot understand what I did. So the only good form of therapy for me is talking to the Adoptive Mother. Christine
Response:
<snip I just subscribed to this newsgroup yesterday. I was struck by the similarities in your story to mine, inadvertantly however. <snip The program you went through sounds wonderful. Perhaps we could institute something like that among us, make it more ceremonial.
It WAS wonderful! For the first transfer after the hospital stay, it was me placing my daughter in the Acouples’ arms. They cried, I cried, everyone cried (but my daughter because she was asleep and I later learned she can sleep through anything). They stayed in a hotel for 10 days while I pondered if I could live without my daughter after seeing, hearing and feeling her. But during this trial time I was allow visits. After the ten days were up, we talked to my priest (I am Roman Catholic) and we had a little service. We read passages, we sang songs and we used candles in this event. Like a wedding, we had one big candle, two small ones and a medium sized candle. I lit my candle from the big candle while holding my daughter and having my family support me by touching me, and the Acouple lit theirs while touching each other. Together we lit the medium candle which represented my daughter. Then I placed her in their arms and again we cried. It was wonderful. After the service we went back to my house for desserts and they went home. It was bitter sweetness…I will never forget it. I can’t imagine how hard this has been on you. The bmom of Melissa and Alicia said once to me "You probably think I am a horrible mother." I replied to her that a horrible mother would think only of herself and not give her children the opportunity to grow up in a stable home. Either one of you could have opted to abort these babies. We love the girls so much, as I am sure the afamily that has your daughter does. Both of you made the right decision, and I think with time, the pain will lessen.
I am making the goals I had for myself, before being pregnant, happen. I am in university studying Business Computing. I have a wonderful and caring supportive boyfriend and I still live at home for right now. When I am ready for life to hit, I will ‘go with the flow’. Then was not the right time, so I adjusted. I am prolife, abortion was never an option and that’s all I’ll say about that. I know I did the right decision and later my daughter will know that. The pain will lessen and that is something I am working on. <snip You’ll be in my prayers, and I will let you know how things progress, if you’re interested.
I am! Thanks for your support in this new way of adopting. Christine
Response:
Oh, I do not have to feel this yet as I have only been in this cycle for 3 years now. I will try not to think about it, but if I do feel myself slipping, I will seek help.
What I am learning.. Is And this about grief work.. My mom died last year.. And I have something to work with.. Something to weep over and around.. I have images.. not ghost images memories.. But my lost child.. nothing.. I grieve a shadow.. Jackie C
Response:
<snip That is grief anger.. I am talking about the deep deep anger.. that comes years later.. when you see your children that you got to keep.. walk their first step.. say their first words.. then.. the anger surfaces..
Oh, I do not have to feel this yet as I have only been in this cycle for 3 years now. I will try not to think about it, but if I do feel myself slipping, I will seek help. I dont understand this way of yours But I guess I did not have a good experience with adoption..
We all learn and we must all open our eyes to new information. Adoption is hard to relate to because it is all feelings and emotions involved. We cannot see eye to eye, but I do appreciate your input. Thanks for caring Jackie. Christine
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I feel like I know you already. 
I hope my Mom is proud of me. I am struggling with university and my GPA is not very high. Dealing with everything sometimes gets me down really bad. That’s why I joined this newsgroup. I think that my daughter is immersing herself in work and school to avoid thinking about her daughter. And what is even weirder, is that she and the bfather still have a relationship! He is in the Navy and when he was home on leave in September, they got married. When this semester of school is over, she plans to join him in California and continue going to school out there. How is that for odd! And their bdaughter will stay with the adoptive family here. My daughter and her husband (bfather of the baby!) act like this is very normal! I find it exceedingly odd! I have always trusted my choice. The only hard part is dealing with it and trying to move on with life being a deep feeler that I am makes it a wee bit harder. Crying, talking, pictures and poetry are my therapy most times. I am like you, a "deep feeler". I still cry about once a week missing my bgranddaughter. I haven’t seen her since she was three days old. My daughter and her husband have seen her a few times. But now they say that they are ready to let go and think it is best for them and the baby that they not see each other anymore. I asked my daughter if I could see the baby in her place, she said she would check on it and get back to me. I think the not knowing would have driven me mad. I like to be ontop of things and know what is going on with everything, not just about where and how my daughter is. Knowing that she is fine and loved gives me one less thing to worry about. Closed adoption is something that has always been and fits for some people and their needs. But people like your daughter and I, it did You have a lot more contact with your bchild than my daughter does, though. We know the aparents, the amother works with my son-in-law’s aunt. But my daughter and son-in-law have chosen not to see the baby anymore. I just hope that doesn’t mean I will never be able to see her again until she’s grown. Also, I have been reading all the posts in here and it has made me realize that when Maggie (my bgranddaughter) grows up, she may hate us. I never really thought about that before. I guess I will have to learn to deal with that possibility. By the way, do you address yourself as your daughter child’s grandmother and do you address her as your granddaughter? Well,I really only talk about her to my aunt, and I call her my granddaughter. As far as I am concerned, she is my granddaughter. After all, I didn’t make the decision to give her up. Everyone has two sets of grandparents–and with divorce so common now, lots of kids are used to having more than two sets! I really don’t know if the aparents would ever agree to letting her call me Grandma…..I don’t even know if I will get to see her again. But I consider her my eldest granddaughter and that is that!!! lol Maggie is 2 yrs old now. I also have a 6mo old granddaughter by my son that I get to see all the time. (What fun!)
Thanks for listening, Christine. Write again soon. I’d love to read some of your poetry, also. Your cyber-friend, Cindy
Response:
Dear Jackie, Anger is not something you feel when you trust what you did was right.
I disagree with this statement. I think anger is a very individual emotion…and I know that even tho I felt I was doing the absolute best for my daughter when I surrendered her to a closed adoption, I WAS angry. I STILL am angry. I trust what I did was right, but that does not mean I cannot feel anger also. I am angry at the unfairness of the entire situation. I’m angry that the bfather did not feel the same pain I did. I’m angry at the laws that enabled him to walk away from the entire situation, (tho admittedly I was at fault for not pressing legal charges against him). I’m angry that I sacrificed my life with my child, even tho I know it was in her best interest. Even all these years later, with a loving marriage of 20 years with a man I love more today than I did when we first married…two happy and healthy teenagers and a succesfull career I never would have dreamed I could attain, I am still angry. I think it’s only natural. My dad once told me that everything happens for a reason…that the true test of a person’s character is shown in how they handle the challenges that life hands them. I can not see a time in my life when I am NOT angry over being handed that particular challenge. I also think that anger can be a positive emotion. My anger was/is the driving force behind some of my most challenging and difficult decisions. It has been my incentive to act, rather than react, to some of the most difficult situations I have faced since that time I surrendered. I guess you could say that the anger has empowered me in ways I never would have imagined possible. My anger certainly does not cast doubts on my decision to surrender my daugher, not at all. —Tribe
Response:
Jackie, this is a very tough time of year for those who have felt loss like we have. Just keep in mind that you will get thru it. And that you have a friend here that is wishing for the best for you.—-Tribe
Thanks tribe I think anger.. real anger.. is so healthy.. And I think I am finally accessing it.. Not the kind of anger where I act out.. and go and strangle the woman that has my records in Miami.. Cause she is a nice lady and just doing her stupid job.. Or those women that are trying to stop progress in Oregon.. Standing in front of the adoptees saying.. I am not a second class citizen.. and I have a right.. My anger goes to my dad.. Who was never ever there for me.. At this moment.. Jackie C
Response:
Anger is not something you feel when you trust what you did was right. How are new bMoms or the ones in open adoption not allowed to feel anger? If you ask me, I do not feel anger.
If you do not like what is going on.. If it is not the all is wonderful scenario… And life changes..People are not perfect.. You may feel angry.. If, one day… Your daughter says to you.."That to talk to you will hurt my soul." What will you do.. ? And I have talked to a grown adoptee that was relinquished because her bmom wanted to finish collage.. She said this.. "To talk to my bmom will hurt my soul." She, in my opinion, was upset that the reason, written in her file.. was that her mom wanted to finish her education.. I felt anger once in my adoption cycle, the day the Acouple held my daughter for the first time. They were holding something of mine yet, I wanted them too. The anger then left and I felt better as they cried because they knew this was hurting me.
That is grief anger.. I am talking about the deep deep anger.. that comes years later.. when you see your children that you got to keep.. walk their first step.. say their first words.. then.. the anger surfaces.. I love them so much because they always think of me and how everything in the cycle affects me. That is why I don’t think or feel they will ever cut me out of my daughter’s life. They made a bond with me too when they adopted my daughter. This bond will take more than (if I were to ever feel, which I don’t) anger to break it.
Know this You have a right to your anger, as the years go by…. You dont have to tell them this.. You can have it on your own.. I dont understand this way of yours But I guess I did not have a good experience with adoption.. I had a very bad one.. Jackie C
Response:
As for therapy, I am and have been in it since the day I found out I was pregnant. Open Adoption is new and a lot of people cannot understand what I did. So the only good form of therapy for me is talking to the Adoptive Mother. Christine
I wish you well Christine.. Jackie C
Response:
: I am a Bmother and I am having : a difficult time with my healing process. I read a bunch of the replies in this thread and it sounds like you are doing just fine in the healing process. Healing isn’t always easy, as you know, and it seems like you are well on your way. : loving couple through Open Adoption here in Manitoba. This is something : new in Canada and (to my knowledge) is practiced only in Manitoba and : Alberta. Actually, most provinces have open adoption. I’m from BC and we’ve had open adoptions for a long time. Now I live in Nova Scotian they have open adoptions too. : I miss her a lot and carry her pictures around. Does this mean I regret my : choice because I don’t feel I do. I don’t think so. It means that you will always love this child. I found my bmom’s family a couple years ago after she had died. I wanted a picture of her from about the time when I was born so I took a picture out of the family photo album. When I did, a picture of me was hidden behind it. She had kept it hidden there all her life. I’ve heard similar stories of bmoms who keep pictures of their babies hidden under their mattresses forever. I think this means you’re normal. : Christine : (BMom) Thanks for writing to a.a. Good luck. — Chris
Response:
I think it is really neat that you shared my post with your mom, It helps…..
My Mom is not yet ready to talk yet and the Internet is too new for her, but I will keep her posted. I’m sure your mother is very proud of you. My daughter also gets excellent grades and is a joy to me. I admire her (and you).
I feel like I know you already. I hope my Mom is proud of me. I am struggling with university and my GPA is not very high. Dealing with everything sometimes gets me down really bad. That’s why I joined this newsgroup. My daughter has had extensive counseling and has a very healthy attitude about her choice. I talk with a trusted friend (my aunt) about it.
I have always trusted my choice. The only hard part is dealing with it and trying to move on with life being a deep feeler that I am makes it a wee bit harder. Crying, talking, pictures and poetry are my therapy most times. I know exactly what you mean. My granddaughter’s aparents are very
special people. I can’t imagine what it would have been like in the times of closed adoption where you trust an agency to choose and never have any follow-up. That would have been horrible, not knowing. I think the not knowing would have driven me mad. I like to be ontop of things and know what is going on with everything, not just about where and how my daughter is. Knowing that she is fine and loved gives me one less thing to worry about. Closed adoption is something that has always been and fits for some people and their needs. But people like your daughter and I, it did not. I always keep an open mind about it. By the way, do you address yourself as your daughter child’s grandmother and do you address her as your granddaughter? Or was that so I would know who you were talking about? I hope to share these posts with her soon. She works two jobs and goes to college, but hopefully I can catch her this weekend.
WOW! She’s a busy woman. I hope we can talk more. I would also like to ask your mom somethings: Does she have any other grandchildren yet? (I have one.)
I’ll answer for now: no other grandchildren. She considers herself a grandmother but not to my daughter. Just like I consider myself a Mother, but not to my daughter. Does she wonder whether your birth daughter will understand when she grows up?
My daughter knows that she came from Christine’s tummy. She knows my Mom and the rest of my family by their first names, no aunts, Moms, cousins etc. My daughter WILL understand because the Acouple and I have talked about it and they want my daughter to know me and my family for the rest of her life. When she is older she will understand more but we will always be in her life. Does she get to see her at all?
The Acouple is visiting us this Saturday for the whole day (they live outside the city from us). A whole day! My family does see her however I visit them more as I am making the stronger bond with my daughter. My Mom sees pictures and sees her 2 a year. My Mom is very content in seeing my daughter and is happier seeing me with my daughter. Always, Christine
Response:
Christine – We are Catholic as well. I will speak to my priest about your ceremony, and see if perhaps he can recommend something similar that can be done.
We used the Easter Candle. I have a copy of the booklet we used if you wish I could type it out for you. It was really beautiful. I can even spend some of the poetry I write. I love writing and found it very helpful when I thought I would go mad. I realize that I don’t know you at all, but I cannot help but be very proud of you, and of your maturity. I am 29, and I know for a fact that when I was 20, I would have never been able to handle a situation such as this as gracefully and selflessly. Your daughter is very lucky, both to have a loving environment from her afamily, and to have your genes!
If I could I would hug you <CyberHug!! Thanks. Hearing that makes me stronger. I know what I did was hard and was not selfish, but I never denied myself to feel pain. I have always been mature for my age being the eldest of two younger sisters and having strick parents. My daughter knows who I am and everytime I talk with the Acouple we joke about how many things about her are hereditary and how many are environment. So far, I’m getting the lower end in a very joking way. All the "good" qualities they claim as their own input in her life. For example, I’m responsible for her burping, her vanity, her farting, her non-stop babble, her off note singing voice but most importantly, her long eyelashes and her big blue eyes that make her get away with murder. (She looks EXACTLY like me.) I’ll keep you posted, as I mentioned. Any other information or help you can give me on how to be supportive of Melissa’s BMom would be extremely helpful.
I’m here to help Kate because that and some other reasons are why I joined this newsgroup and posted my story as soon as possible. God Bless you in your journey. Christine
Response:
HI Cindy, Thanks for sharing with me your thoughts. I shared your reply with my Mother. My Mother is having a difficult time too dealing with all this. When she sees my daughter or pictures of her, she sees me. My daughter and I look exactly alike and I think she wishes I would have parented but I knew I loved my daughter too much that I couldn’t allow this. I think it is really neat that you shared my post with your mom,
It helps….. I was able to finish my High School with honours and a scholarship and have been in university for three years now from Education to now taking Business Computing. I am going to be successful in my life and do not regret anything I have done. I’m sure your mother is very proud of you. My daughter also gets
excellent grades and is a joy to me. I admire her (and you). I have been in counseling and I suggest it to people who are in this cycle of adoption. The pain is too hard and if you ignore it, it will come back to hurt you later. My daughter has had extensive counseling and has a very healthy
attitude about her choice. I talk with a trusted friend (my aunt) about it. I love the adoptive parents so much and they love me and I guess that makes this whole situation so much easier to deal with, regradless, I still feel pain. I know exactly what you mean. My granddaughter’s aparents are very special people. I can’t imagine what it would have been like in the times of closed adoption where you trust an agency to choose and never
have any follow-up. That would have been horrible, not knowing. I hope your daughter gets to read these comments and know she nor you are alone in this. I hope to share these posts with her soon. She works two jobs and
goes to college, but hopefully I can catch her this weekend. Thanks for all you kind words and a new friend, Christine I hope we can talk more. I would also like to ask your mom
somethings: Does she have any other grandchildren yet? (I have one.) Does she wonder whether your birth daughter will understand when she grows up? Does she get to see her at all? From your new ng friend, Cindy
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – welcome back Jackie! I have been very busy but the few times I have read the posts in the past week I had not seen you. Great to see you back! —Tribe Hey tribe My life is going down the toilet at the moment.. And I can feel some anger here.. Anger.. New bmoms.. or the ones in an open adoption.. I believe are not allowed this very important emotion. Not allowed.. I have seen it posted here in the past.. that A bparent, had better not get angry in an open adoption.. cause you can be cut off in seconds.. So anger is a no no.. And when we stuff our anger.. I believe this is a life changing decision giving a child up.. And the pretend that goes on.. when a woman chooses the *potential* aparents.. and they are in the birthing chamber.. And we see the potential amom breast feeding the child.. "with a little help" And all is well and all things are well.. Only where is the anger? Jackie C
Your question and your reservations are exactly why I am not convinced that open adoption is any better than closed…just different. For myself persoally, I KNOW I would bury my anger, hide it from the prospective aparent…just to be polite. (I have always had the tendancy to say nothing when saying anything would hurt another. A bad trait, to be sure, but it’s mine). Toss in the vulnerability of a confused pregnant teen looking for help for her child and you have a disaster in the making. Open or closed, there is evidently NO WAY to deny that the woman who surrenders a child to another will be in pain. How that pain is dealt with is what is important for the woman going thru it. From my own experience, talking about it and listening to others who have been in the same position has added innumerable benefits to my own mental well being. Jackie, this is a very tough time of year for those who have felt loss like we have. Just keep in mind that you will get thru it. And that you have a friend here that is wishing for the best for you.—-Tribe
Response:
Christine – We are Catholic as well. I will speak to my priest about your ceremony, and see if perhaps he can recommend something similar that can be done. I realize that I don’t know you at all, but I cannot help but be very proud of you, and of your maturity. I am 29, and I know for a fact that when I was 20, I would have never been able to handle a situation such as this as gracefully and selflessly. Your daughter is very lucky, both to have a loving environment from her afamily, and to have your genes! I’ll keep you posted, as I mentioned. Any other information or help you can give me on how to be supportive of Melissa’s BMom would be extremely helpful. Kate
Response:
Dear Jackie, Anger is not something you feel when you trust what you did was right. How are new bMoms or the ones in open adoption not allowed to feel anger? If you ask me, I do not feel anger. I felt anger once in my adoption cycle, the day the Acouple held my daughter for the first time. They were holding something of mine yet, I wanted them too. The anger then left and I felt better as they cried because they knew this was hurting me. I love them so much because they always think of me and how everything in the cycle affects me. That is why I don’t think or feel they will ever cut me out of my daughter’s life. They made a bond with me too when they adopted my daughter. This bond will take more than (if I were to ever feel, which I don’t) anger to break it. Christine <snip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A bparent, had better not get angry in an open adoption.. cause you can be cut off in seconds.. So anger is a no no.. And when we stuff our anger..
Response:
<snip Hi, I’m also a bmom…involved in a closed adoption over 20 years ago. Jackie’s right, don’t hold it in. You need to seek out someone to listen to you whether it be in therapy with a trusted counselor or with a good friend who will not simply agree with you to quiet you. It is very damaging to hold inside those feelings of pain and loss. And there’s no need to anymore, not like there was when I surrendered my daughter. That was a different time, (Gawd that makes me feels soooooo old!)…but it is a different atmosphere for you now. The stigma is not as apparent or as strong as it was for bmoms like me in the 60’s-early 70’s. Get some help with it, don’t procrastinate!
Thanks, I am getting help to deal with the emotions and the pain, but as I told Jackie, the Adoptive Mother is the only person who knows what I am going through and she has been my ‘help’. Christine
Response:
HI Cindy, Thanks for sharing with me your thoughts. I shared your reply with my Mother. My Mother is having a difficult time too dealing with all this. When she sees my daughter or pictures of her, she sees me. My daughter and I look exactly alike and I think she wishes I would have parented but I knew I loved my daughter too much that I couldn’t allow this. I was able to finish my High School with honours and a scholarship and have been in university for three years now from Education to now taking Business Computing. I am going to be successful in my life and do not regret anything I have done. I have been in counseling and I suggest it to people who are in this cycle of adoption. The pain is too hard and if you ignore it, it will come back to hurt you later. I love the adoptive parents so much and they love me and I guess that makes this whole situation so much easier to deal with, regradless, I still feel pain. I hope your daughter gets to read these comments and know she nor you are alone in this. Thanks for all you kind words and a new friend, Christine Hi! I am a bgrandma. I also joined this newsgroup recently in hopes
of exchanging ideas with someone just like you. My daughter also did an open adoption. We know the couple that has her baby and they are wonderful people. I know that my daughter’s decision to give the baby up was a very mature and responsible thing to do, even though it has been very hard for me to accept. I know what you mean about the longing and the missing. Sometimes I just wish so much that I could hold my granddaughter…but I know in my heart she is better off with her adoptive parents. My daughter was 17 when she had her baby,too. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I hope we can talk more. Nice meeting you. Cindy
Response:
welcome back Jackie! I have been very busy but the few times I have read the posts in the past week I had not seen you. Great to see you back! —Tribe
Hey tribe My life is going down the toilet at the moment.. And I can feel some anger here.. Anger.. New bmoms.. or the ones in an open adoption.. I believe are not allowed this very important emotion. Not allowed.. I have seen it posted here in the past.. that A bparent, had better not get angry in an open adoption.. cause you can be cut off in seconds.. So anger is a no no.. And when we stuff our anger.. I believe this is a life changing decision giving a child up.. And the pretend that goes on.. when a woman chooses the *potential* aparents.. and they are in the birthing chamber.. And we see the potential amom breast feeding the child.. "with a little help" And all is well and all things are well.. Only where is the anger? Jackie C
Response:
Is there anyone who can help me or guide me to releave myself of this pain I feel when I don’t see my daughter. I go through mood swings if it is longer than a few months between visits. Is this normal for the first few years?
Legitimate grief work.. When we feel the emotions, we see them, and let them travel thru us.. Do not.. stuff them.. is my recommendation.. You have suffered a loss.. I am a bmom from the closed adoption system. I am at a loss to understand how a bmom can keep seeing her child.. But I would think legitimate grief work.. and also therapy.. so you can discuss your feelings with someone that is not connected with the adoption.. Jackie C
Response:
HI. I joined this newsgroup just recently in hopes to hear stories from the circle of Adoptees, Bparents and Aparents. I am a Bmother and I am having a difficult time with my healing process. My daughter will be 3 years old in a few weeks and I am only 20 years old. I placed my daughter with a loving couple through Open Adoption here in Manitoba.
Dear Christine – I just subscribed to this newsgroup yesterday. I was struck by the similarities in your story to mine, inadvertantly however. My husband and I are caring for, and in the early process of adopting a 17 month old baby who has a 3 year old sister that lives with her grandmother. Their mother is 20 and cannot care for them. She is going through a divorce, and although she has gone back and forth with regards to giving up the older child, she remains certain that she wants us to have Melissa, the baby. I have known the bmom all her life. Her mom is my mom’s best friend from high school. She is really torn by this decision, but we will always keep her part of Melissa’s life, and be sure that Melissa and Alicia (the sister) grow up knowing one another. The program you went through sounds wonderful. Perhaps we could institute something like that among us, make it more ceremonial. I can’t imagine how hard this has been on you. The bmom of Melissa and Alicia said once to me "You probably think I am a horrible mother." I replied to her that a horrible mother would think only of herself and not give her children the opportunity to grow up in a stable home. Either one of you could have opted to abort these babies. We love the girls so much, as I am sure the afamily that has your daughter does. Both of you made the right decision, and I think with time, the pain will lessen. You’ll be in my prayers, and I will let you know how things progress, if you’re interested. Reply to kbuckley at primary dot com or to the ng
Response:
HI. I joined this newsgroup just recently in hopes to hear stories from the circle of Adoptees, Bparents and Aparents. I am a Bmother and I am having a difficult time with my healing process. My daughter will be 3 years old in a few weeks and I am only 20 years old. I placed my daughter with a loving couple through Open Adoption here in Manitoba. This is something new in Canada and (to my knowledge) is practiced only in Manitoba and Alberta. I have stayed in constant contact with the Aparents. We met before my daughter was born and started our life-long bond by going shopping. I liked the idea of Open Adoption as I was given a lot of control over this very difficult choice. I picked the parents, and together we helped pick a name. I got to spend my time with my baby after she was born and only once released from the hospital was she then placed in the Aparents care for the duration of 10 days. This was done in a ceremonial way where I got to place my daughter in their hands symbolizing that this was done out of my own free will. During this 10 day care time, I was given the opportunity to visit to be sure of my choice and after the 10 days we again went through another ceremonial transfer where they were now able to take their daughter home with them. During the first year, I visited them once a month. During the second and third year I have visited them 3-5 times a year. The Aparents and I have a very special loving bond between one another and due to my visits, my daughter knows that I am a very special person. The Amother and I are both very emotional, feeling people and we feel each other and are there for each other. She nor I could have ever gone through a closed adoption because even now, we still wonder what the other is thinking. I love the way Open Adoption works. Has anyone been through a Open Adoption for longer than I have? I want to know if this is a good thing to stay in my daughter’s life? I don’t ever want to be called Mom, but I can I still call my daughter ‘mine’? Is Open Adoption harder on the families or easier? I feel I have been blessed with two amazing people who love and care for my daughter as much as I do. I loved my daughter to know I couldn’t care for her the way I wanted to care for her when I was pregnant being only 17 at the time. I miss her a lot and carry her pictures around. Does this mean I regret my choice because I don’t feel I do. My heart aches for her, but I don’t spend my time with her when I do get to see her because I spend it with her Amother. I love the Amother and she loves me and we help each other out to help deal with our feelings. Is there anyone who can help me or guide me to releave myself of this pain I feel when I don’t see my daughter. I go through mood swings if it is longer than a few months between visits. Is this normal for the first few years? Christine (BMom) Or Reply to NG * School seeks to get you * * ready for examination; * * life gives you the finals. *
Response:
Christine, Welcome to alt.adoption. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m pleased to hear that things in general are working out for all concerned. It’s wonderful that open adoption is working for you and your child. Additionally, I’m glad to hear of the special bond you have with the adoptive parents. I hope they will continue to support you. I hope that the times in between visits get easier on you. Sorry, I have no true advice to give. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
Response:
(in part)
I loved my daughter to know I couldn’t care for her the way I wanted to care for her when I was pregnant being only 17 at the time. Hi! I am a bgrandma. I also joined this newsgroup recently in hopes of exchanging ideas with someone just like you. My daughter also did an open adoption. We know the couple that has her baby and they are wonderful people. I know that my daughter’s decision to give the baby up was a very mature and responsible thing to do, even though it has been very hard for me to accept. I know what you mean about the longing and the missing. Sometimes I just wish so much that I could hold my granddaughter…but I know in my heart she is better off with her adoptive parents. My daughter was 17 when she had her baby,too.
I hope we can talk more. Nice meeting you. Cindy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Is there anyone who can help me or guide me to releave myself of this pain I feel when I don’t see my daughter. I go through mood swings if it is longer than a few months between visits. Is this normal for the first few years? Legitimate grief work.. When we feel the emotions, we see them, and let them travel thru us.. Do not.. stuff them.. is my recommendation.. You have suffered a loss.. I am a bmom from the closed adoption system. I am at a loss to understand how a bmom can keep seeing her child.. But I would think legitimate grief work.. and also therapy.. so you can discuss your feelings with someone that is not connected with the adoption.. Jackie C
Hi, I’m also a bmom…involved in a closed adoption over 20 years ago. Jackie’s right, don’t hold it in. You need to seek out someone to listen to you whether it be in therapy with a trusted counselor or with a good friend who will not simply agree with you to quiet you. It is very damaging to hold inside those feelings of pain and loss. And there’s no need to anymore, not like there was when I surrendered my daughter. That was a different time, (Gawd that makes me feels soooooo old!)…but it is a different atmosphere for you now. The stigma is not as apparent or as strong as it was for bmoms like me in the 60’s-early 70’s. Get some help with it, don’t procrastinate! BTW, welcome back Jackie! I have been very busy but the few times I have read the posts in the past week I had not seen you. Great to see you back! —Tribe
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